Treasure chastity. (Rule of St. Benedict 4. 64)
The obvious difference between a rule written for monks and a rule for married couples is that whereas monks take a vow of celibacy, married couples take a vow of sex. A Christian marriage requires sex with the same person until death. Not continuously, of course. It’s not death by sex. But in a society with long life spans, sooner or later you’ll face what everyone else does: DD (Domestic Doldrums), the long-drawn ho-hum humdrum. Your sex life will vary between BTN sex (Better Than Nothing) and NON sex (Now Or Never).
If you’re dissatisfied, the thing to realize is that only you have this problem. Everyone else has ecstatic sex daily. Only you are stuck with an ordinary human being.
Whatever is wrong with your spouse, feel free to describe it eloquently to God in prayer. He’s the one who designed the prototype. He knows what to do to fix it. But your prayer should begin with thanks: “Thank you God for [name of spouse]. Thank you for BTN and NON. Thank you for the orgasm I had the other day. [Was it an orgasm?]. I know I’ve got it BTMP (Better Than Most People). However, […].”
Be careful what you say to your spouse. Human memories are more tenacious than human feelings. Once you say it, you can’t erase it from your spouse’s brain, even if you’re ok now. Don’t go complaining to everyone else, either. It may be true. It may also be a shabby thing to say in public.
The goal of the husband and wife is to remain happily married. In order to stay both married and happy, they need a sex life that is not a form of martyrdom. In order to have a satisfactory sex life, she needs to be able to enjoy it. For her to enjoy it, he needs to figure out how the female body functions. This is tricky, because he can’t get any practice time in if she never feels like trying. Then again, if he is clumsy, clueless or out of control, why would she ever want to? Or maybe they just need to change things up. Or try actually going to bed at the same time.
Don’t wait for passion to return. Passion is like the booster rocket that propels you into outer space, then falls back to earth, never to be retrieved. From then on, you’d better know what you’re doing. The reactor on board is supposed to provide all your power. It’s a notoriously finicky design, and everyone has problems with it. Do not skip regular maintenance. Do not ignore warning lights. You don’t want to be the ones floating aimlessly in the void because the power went out. You don’t want to be the ones who suddenly explode into smithereens, when no one else even realized there was a problem. Sex isn’t everything, but it’s the only thing you’re not allowed to outsource. Only the two of you can keep it in working order.
The world will tell you that to get the thrill back, you’ve got to unscrew all the stops. But they’ve got something wrong, because they keep losing pressure. They have to do worse and worse things to get a jolt out of the system. And they don’t even try to take care of each other. No love, no laughs, no one noticing when you’re gone.
The Christian premise, on the other hand is that you’ve got to keep the unit sealed tight. The pressure will build back up, and eventually you’ll find yourself considering sex with the person you married. This might involve taking the initiative to negotiate and implement changes. Or maybe you know what you need to do, but you’ve been too […] to make the effort.
What’s all this about work? You thought you were relaxing on a cruise, not joining the navy. You can unseal the hatches and bail: one last thrill before Judgment Day.
On your spiral down you’ll pass the clunker you never thought would make it, still rattling along. You don’t even want to know what they do to keep that thing going. Married couple sex? They must have figured something out.
