If someone commits a fault…he must at once come before the abbot and community and of his own accord admit his fault and make satisfaction. (Rule of St. Benedict 46.1-3)
Piety is honesty plus contrition. Religious exercises become void if in interactions with other people you never admit to having done wrong. Self-deprecation before God is a farce if you’re too proud to apologize to another human being.
Christians must practice as a steady habit the willingness to admit when they’ve messed up and the readiness to say sorry. It’s impossible to overstate the worth of these habits for maintaining relationships, or the destruction that results from refusing to practice them. Far more serious than the fault itself is the denial of it. Infinitely more harm comes from the haughty refusal to say, “I’m sorry” than from the original offense.
To err is human. No one expects you to be perfect. But if you refuse to admit a fault, you sever the bond of trust without which no relationship can survive. The one who proudly refrains from saying, “I’m sorry I offended you” places self-esteem above the worth of the other person. There’s nothing so corrosive as dishonesty. There’s nothing so repellent as pride. Now you have not only injured but insulted the other person.
Certainly it’s all right to say, “I didn’t mean it.” Very rarely do we offend other people on purpose. Most lapses are due to a bad mood on a bad day. Usually there’s some sort of miscommunication. Almost always there are mitigating factors. How easy, then, it should be to say, “I’m sorry I did such-and-such. I’m sorry if I offended you.” It should be easy, and yet, how many adults have never learned to do this simple thing!
Owning up is important because, first, it shows that the mistake was unintentional. Second, it shows remorse. Third, it shows willingness to take responsibility. Together, these are signs of good character. And integrity is worth more to a relationship, a family, a society than any material asset. Conversely, a deceitful, remorseless, irresponsible person cannot but cause harm to everyone.
Therefore children should be trained always to say, “I’m sorry,” whenever they’ve given offense. Afterwards they can relate details of intent, blame, and circumstance. First apologize, then explain.
There are tones of voice that can contradict an apology and make it sound insincere to the aggrieved party. Then the person becomes furious at feeling manipulated. So children must learn to say sorry in a voice that is loud enough to be heard and that may be sullen but must not be insolent. This effort made, the offended person must accept the apology and cannot reject it as insufficiently contrite. If possible, the offender should make restitution. All parties should resolve to do better next time. And then forever the point is moot. Never drag out a past offence. Once addressed, it is dead and done with.
Don’t wait to be confronted with what you suspect you may have done, but hasten to volunteer an apology. The humility, honesty and good will evident in such behavior make all the difference to any relationship. These habits keep friendships alive, marriages happy, children thriving. Without them, intimacy, trust and peace wither away.
It’s true that there are vindictive people who will punish you for honestly admitting a fault. They walk away guilty before God for refusing to forgive. But you will have saved your soul from the rot that eats away the interior of dishonest people. You will have done everything you can to make peace.
Sometimes, for any number of reasons, people cannot speak to a situation directly. So, they make some other gesture to show remorse. Be alert to such efforts at reconciliation. Be ready to accept any gesture that expresses an intent to make amends.
As human beings we don’t convince anyone when we pretend to forget the bad thing that we did yesterday. We must apologize when we’re able to speak at all. Little kids can learn to say sorry. They learn to say it before they mean it. They learn to mean it.
