You are not to act in anger or nurse a grudge. (Rule of St. Benedict 4.22-23)
Do not nurse a grudge against your spouse. There’s nothing so corrosive to a marriage as silent bitterness cultivated in secret. Whenever bitterness begins to fester, get it out in the open! Express honestly whatever the problem is. Work yourself up to an argument. Take the time. Expend the energy. Endure the discomfort. Resolving conflicts with your spouse will be good for your sex life. But no good can come from nursing bitter thoughts. Ridding yourself of anger does not mean avoiding conflict. On the contrary, the best way to avoid chronic anger is to address conflicts immediately as they arise, before bitterness sets in.
Do not nurse a grudge against your teenager. If you find yourself frustrated, at your wits’ end, punt the problem to the other parent, and ask for interference. A father relates differently with children than a mother does. If nothing else, your spouse can give them tips on how to relate to you.
What if it’s simply impossible, for all sorts of reasons, to have anything like an open conversation with the problem person? Not all relationships are intimate enough to support frankness. Not all conflicts can be resolved.
Is it a grudge, or is it an unending feeling of bewilderment?
A grudge makes you want to avoid the other person, but there can be other, valid reasons for avoiding someone. Bitterness tends towards estrangement, but so do bad memories. When in doubt, pray for the person.
What does forgiveness feel like?
In ordinary relationships, forgiveness often looks like skipping over the rift. You let it go, without scrutiny. You extend an invitation to join in as before. When you act as though there is no rift, tacitly you offer the other person another chance. Of course, sometimes you need to get some distance first. But forgiveness is very often implicit and unspoken. Jesus requires us to forgive. He doesn’t tell us to think about it really hard for a long time until we understand the other person. Let it go. Minimize the effort. Move on.
Sometimes the mode in which we go through life, fulfilling responsibilities and working efficiently, also makes it difficult to let slide someone else’s failure or misbehavior. Sometimes we need to disinhibit the part of ourselves that is both willing to take a break and willing to give someone else a break. In practice, it’s simply easier to forgive when you’re relaxed and enjoying life than when you’re stressed and exhausted. Most ordinary offenses are like a splinter in the bottom of your foot. You don’t want to stop and deal with it. You hope it’ll work its way out by itself. But if it doesn’t work its way out, it can cause you pain indefinitely. It can make you hypersensitive in that area.
You must take action to get rid of it, because it’s not going away by itself. Pour yourself a glass of wine and say: GOD BLESS THE BITCH [or epithet of choice].
Then say it again, but insert the person’s name.
Repeat as necessary. Enjoy the wine. Give thanks for it. After a while you might slip up and give thanks for whoever it was. Jesus said to be merciful. He didn’t specify a state of consciousness.
No, I’m not suggesting that you should drink more alcohol in order to cope with bitterness. On the contrary, if you feel yourself sliding in that direction, you should seek more expert help. Not all injuries are like splinters. If you had a bullet in your shoulder, you wouldn’t sit at your kitchen table trying to pry it out with a knife. You’d know that you had to see a surgeon emergently.
Similarly, the more serious an offense is, the more urgent it is for you to let go of your grudge. Refusing to let go of your grudge because it’s the other person’s fault is like refusing to let the surgeon extract a bullet from your shoulder because someone else shot you. Yes, it’s the other person’s fault. But you are the one who has been injured. Therefore you are the one who must undergo treatment. It will be a painful and difficult experience, but in the long run you’ll be in much better shape than the people dragging themselves around with a lifetime’s worth of retained grievances.
If you can’t forgive, neither the drink nor the pain meds nor the mood stabilizers will solve your problem. Only the crucifix will get you back to health.
