I said, I have resolved to keep watch over my ways that I may never sin with my tongue. I have put a guard on my mouth…. [Psalm 39:1-3] (Rule of St. Benedict 6.1-6)
Keep your mouth shut? It’s awfully hard to do.
It’s especially difficult in a competitive environment, where talking is part of the game, and the loudest ones seem to win. Across languages and cultures, human beings exercise dominance by imposing verbally over others. The powerful say whatever they want. Everyone else has to be careful, and whisper. Sometimes speaking at all can feel like a fight for survival. In this as in everything else, the Christian message is paradoxical. Do you fear being completely ignored, if you keep quiet while everyone else has a say? Then trust God, and hold your tongue.
If you follow this teaching, expect to spend many hours of your life listening to other people declaim nonsense. There are some who will talk at full speed as long as anyone will listen, never pausing for breath. Curiously, though, as soon as you try to reply, the intense focus of which they are clearly capable dissolves into wandering attention and distracted mannerisms. They have the energy to speak, but not to remain silent. Talking requires much less effort than listening.
Do not imitate them. In the short term, they seem to dominate the group. But in the long run, the verbose end up deleted. Just because people have no choice but to hear you doesn’t mean they are persuaded.
The goal is not to seal yourself into hermetic isolation, however. There is a time to communicate what you think. The monosyllabic sphinx is a tiresome companion too. When people are sincerely interested in you, don’t weary them by making them guess what’s going on. It’s on you to communicate in a coherent way. But what thoughts are actually pouring forth from within you?
For some, it’s perpetual dissatisfaction. They can complain about anything, and they will. If the temperature drops, they complain about the cold. When it warms up, they complain about the heat. If it rains, they complain about getting wet. If it doesn’t, they complain on behalf of the parched vegetation. Keep your mouth shut? You wish you could tell them!
Others spew malice. They sidle up, masquerading as sociable. Beware those who insinuate nasty things about people behind their backs, while attempting to draw you in with flattery. As soon as you’re out of earshot, they’ll be hissing derogatory remarks about you too. If you must comment on someone who’s absent, try to think of something positive to say. Malicious gossips will learn to avoid you, because it repels them to hear others praised.
Good words come from the good within you. If only this were enough! But the thing is that dishonesties characterize the social conventions of every society. Cultures define themselves by the peculiar sorts of dissembling they require. Figuring out what you’re not supposed to say is one of the biggest challenges of a foreign environment. Some are so hateful that you live in fear of tripping a mine whenever you open your mouth. You have to be careful about speaking the truth.
It’s safest to refrain from asking questions. But if you see someone making a potentially dangerous mistake, you must in good conscience speak out. The other person will likely reject your advice. Sometimes your intrusion will provoke such resentment that the chill will never thaw again. But you’re not actually doing anything wrong, if you’re motivated by love. It’s just that not everyone will want to hear it, even if you’ve got it right, even though you care.
There are also, inevitably, moments of personal struggle, when you simply must express how you feel, whatever the consequences. Every human being needs friends. When another person hears and understands, there’s an enormous relief, quite apart from solving any problem. Just remember that those who love you enough to listen also need support from you. Listening is a mutual comfort.
Sometimes in acute distress we lash out at the person closest to us. This is human, but it’s also terribly unfair. Pull yourself together and apologize. Even in the most loving, most intimate relationships, you’ve got to maintain a proportion of courtesy. Honesty, like vinegar, is unbearable on its own. More oil than vinegar goes into a salad dressing, and the same is true for relationships, even close ones. Try to balance your honesty with some balm for the feelings of the other person.
Cherish those who care enough about you to listen. And with strangers, keep your mouth shut. You won’t get into trouble for what you don’t say.
