In his teaching, the abbot should always observe the Apostle’s recommendation, in which he says: Use argument, appeal, reproof 2 Timothy 4:2. This means that he must vary with circumstances, threatening and coaxing by turns, stern as a taskmaster, devoted and tender as only a father can be. (Rule of St. Benedict 2.23-24)
The purpose of discipline is to train children in good behavior, directing them along the right path.
Training and language acquisition go hand in hand. Really you do want your children to learn how to argue on their own behalf. So engage the arguing child with a counter-argument, even as you enforce discipline. Surely you have a reason for why you’re doing what you’re doing? Explain it. Sometimes your motivations are beyond logic: verbalize your emotions too. Announce to your children that you’re about to become very, very angry. It does make a difference when you give them verbal warnings, rather than assuming that they can read your mind. And when you reprove the child for an error, spell out how it was wrong.
There are parents who tolerate no divergence from their own opinions, decisions and emotions. Nor do they consider that they owe any explanation for the punishments they inflict. So, their children may not even understand what they did wrong, or what they should do next time instead. These parents may obtain impressive results in the short run, but they hinder the development of the initiative their children will need in order to function as adults. When they repress honest dissent, they create the conditions for deceit to flourish. As in larger scale dictatorships, the only options are subservience, rebellion or exile.
At the other end of the spectrum are the parents who abdicate authority. They discuss options even with young children as though they were peers, without enforcing any discipline. They appeal to a child’s good nature without taking action to thwart the child’s bad impulses. Then they reproach the child for bad behavior without imposing consequences. It’s these nice parents who then complain about how disappointing their teenagers are, when they turn out not to have learned any sense of responsibility, compassion or moral obligation.
Wise parents vary the approach with the circumstances. You threaten sparingly, because at the end of the day when you’re tired, you’d rather relax than inflict punishments–but you will follow through. You coax cautiously, because you know that children can turn the tables on you and transform bribery into blackmail. You’re stern on principles, but you’re tender on feelings. You’re usually clever, but if you make a mistake, you admit it.
You teach right from wrong not just in theory, but in a practical way. If a young child steals something from a store, you take her back and require her to replace the object where she found it. When she took it, she didn’t have any concept of stealing: now she does. By making her put it back, you enforce the lesson that the thing that does not belong to her must stay where it is. For some children, this simple, mild intervention is all they’ll ever need. Once she realizes it’s wrong, she’ll never do it again.
Children misbehave because of any number of factors. The challenge for parents is to observe and deduce what the causes may be, and to address those causes first. A hungry child gets fed. An exhausted child gets bedtime. Injuries both visible and invisible get appropriate treatment. Complicated teenage tangles get hours of conversation. Mistakes get the benefit of the doubt. Extenuating circumstances get full consideration.
When a child is clearly obedient, docile and patient, you extend a gentle appeal. There’s no excuse for hurting the feelings of a well-meaning child who is making every effort to comply with expectations but through weakness has made a mistake.
Realize that you too experience all sorts of variables that influence your behavior. Maybe you need to let go of something else you’re expending energy on, in order to have the resources you need to discipline your children constructively. Don’t be the father who didn’t bother. Don’t be the mother who always had something else to do. Engage with your children. Come alongside to help. When you slow down to walk side by side with them and focus at their level, you’ll find that you do have the experience you need to sort things out.
