The brothers, for their part, are to express their opinions with all humility, and not presume to defend their own views obstinately.…In the monastery no one is to follow his own heart’s desire.… (Rule of St. Benedict 3. 4-8)
Sure, you have freedom of expression. But is it going to be the expression of a war zone? Because there’s another option. You can choose to approach your messy zone as a construction site. It’s true that injuries can still occur on construction sites, but the goal is to build something. On the other hand, victories can be won on battlefields, but the devastated area remains uninhabitable afterwards for years. Will you be a destroyer or a builder?
You’re your own person. But when you got married, you chose interdependence. Does your pursuit of your goal disrupt your household? Is your personal ambition undermining your family’s team spirit? Is the thing you want placing an undue burden on everyone else?
These are tricky questions. Your self-assessment may be at odds with your spouse’s. Maybe the two of you should figure that out first.
It could be that there’s nothing antisocial about how you’re spending your time. Maybe it’s the way you express yourself verbally that’s the problem. Be polite, even to the person you sleep with. Courtesy is the thing that counts. Listen first, then speak.
And be honest.
How can you be both honest and polite?
Only with a sense of humor.
The goal is harmony. For this, you need the grace of God. But it also helps to check in with each other on a regular basis. You can avoid a lot of conflicts if you anticipate difficulties and discuss them ahead of time, instead of always playing catch-up to poor communication.
Remember that it’s on you to explain what you expect. The marriage vow does not bestow psychic powers on your spouse. Only you can figure out what is going through your own mind. So, the more complicated it is, the more time you’re going to have to give it.
Don’t assume that the underlying problem is that you are right, while the other person is wrong. Maybe the other person knows you’re right but is tired of hearing you repeat it. Try a different approach: humor. Watch Monty Python’s The Argument Clinic and have a laugh together.
